Lower Manhattan Law Makers Respond to Invasive Species Threat
They stroll six abreast. They refuse to walk in a straight line. They stop suddenly and point. Downtowners know all too well that it’s hard to get where you’re going when forced to dodge hordes of tourists on Lower Manhattan’s narrow sidewalks. Relief may be at hand. A new bill under consideration in the New York State Assembly would regulate the movement of tourists south of Chambers Street. Nicknamed the “Curb Your Tourist” law, the proposed rule mandates that all tourists in groups larger than three be required to “hold on tight” to brightly colored rings attached to a rope they will be required to purchase at conveniently sited kiosks. “You know how these tourists are,” said the chair of the Assembly’s Visitor Vexation Committee. “This will help keep them on on the straight and narrow, while minimizing migraines for those of us who live and work here.”
Boom Times in Lower Manhattan
The administration of Mayor Eric Adams and the City’s Economic Development Corporation (EDC) today announced an agreement with SpaceX, the company founded by Tesla chief Elon Musk, to conduct launches of the firm’s Falcon 9, Falcon Heavy, and Starship rockets from the Downtown Manhattan Heliport, near the foot of Wall Street.
Mayor Adams said, “this will align and refine our design to impugn those who think they are immune to inopportune oppugns, while we zoom to the moon.” Asked to clarify this statement, the Mayor replied, “exactly!”
EDC president Raphael Guzman said, “this contract positions New York at the edge of the final frontier of space exploration and galactic tourism, enabling our City to capture business development dollars and enflame our regional competitors.”
A spokesman for Stop the Chop, which has lobbied for years to ban helicopter flights from the facility because of noise and safety concerns, said, “this is not what we had in mind.”
And a Little Child Shall Mislead Them…
A team of heavily armed federal agents interrupted gym class at Stuyvesant High School on Friday, taking into custody Winnie Barksdale, aged 14, who was recently named the chief fundraiser for Mayor Eric Adams’s reelection campaign. When the federal officers demanded the hard drives containing lists of straw donors, Ms. Barksdale gave them her PS2 and a Kindle.
Asked for comment, a City Hall spokesman said, “we deplore the shameful record of specialized high schools like Stuyvesant in their discriminatory admissions policies.”
Perpendicular Faux Pas
Due to a clerical error in the submission of planning documents, a controversial new apartment building planned for Tribeca is actually measured horizontally. With its base at Independence Plaza, the new “tower” will rise only about 90 vertical feet, but stretch 940 feet west across West Street and into the Hudson River. One City Council member fumed, “it’s unclear how this was missed, but our lawyers are adamant that it is impossible to revoke approval at this point.” The New York State Department of Transportation has yet to weigh in on the plan, but the project’s developers, in an apparent bid to quell controversy, sweetened their proposal with a plan for affordable apartments in houseboats moored at the edges of the new building. They are also reportedly considering a name change from “The Pinnacle at Independence Plaza” to “The Debacle at Pier 23.”
The Lease They Could Do
The Battery Park City Authority (BPCA) has announced a landmark accord that will preserve affordability for 26 tenants at Gateway Plaza for the next eight months. In exchange for limiting rent increases to 129 percent, the landlords of Gateway Plaza will be compensated with a “long-term leaseback amortization leveraged option covenant,” which will consist of payments by the BPCA to the landlord of $4.38 million per apartment, for each of the next 25 years. A spokesman for the Gateway landlord said, “the Authority certainly knows how to drive a hard bargain, but we think this agreement is fair to both sides.”
Absolute Bower
With nearly unanimous approval from Community Board 1 (CB1), a luxury camping business soon will be setting up yurts, teepees, and luxury lean-tos in Zuccotti Park. Marketing material reviewed at a recent CB1 Quality of Life Committee meeting promoted branding opportunities such as “Glamp with Goldman” and “Brookfield Hermitage.” Featuring farm-to-cot fare from Sam’s Falafal and Biryani House, and porta-potties under Joie de Vivre (the 70-foot tall sculpture of red tetrahedrons at the corner of Broadway and Cedar Street), the deluxe accommodations are designed to welcome urban adventurers bent on roughing it in the concrete jungle.
Rotunda for Rough Sleepers
Bowing to what appears to be a fait accompli, the City has decided to close the struggling retail mall at the Fulton Transit Center and reconfigure the facility as a giant shelter. Initial estimates are that the enormous rotunda has room for approximately 4,750 beds, plus three bathrooms and one shower. The dormitory-style space (where mental health counseling will be available for two hours each month) will feature its own entrances to the multiple subway lines that converge at the station, with extra-low turnstiles to facilitate jumping.
Editor’s note: These news parodies were published in observance of April Fools’ Day. The Broadsheet’s coverage of actual absurdities will resume on April 2.